adventures in adulthood: the mall (or, how not to buy a food processor)

Very Important Visual Aid

About a week ago, I resolved to learn how to cook.  Like, really learn how to cook.  I've been brining chicken and stuff, you guys.  It's all a little hilarious since I'm allergic to 70% of food, but so far all limbs are intact and Luke hasn't gotten food poisoning (Grace: 1, Cooking: 0).

In my new cooking endeavor, as I've been reading books (on books on books!) to learn all of these crazy techniques (glazing, you guys!), I've come to realize there is some necessary equipment that I'm lacking.  In that spirit, I went to the mall.

I needed to make two stops: Barnes and Noble (books on books on books!) and Macy's (gift cards, y'all).  They happen to be on opposite ends of the mall, about a quarter of a mile apart.  I parked at Barnes and Noble and thought, "gosh, I'm so physically fit, I'm going to walk the whole length of the mall...twice!" and I set off on my merry way.  I actually am fairly physically fit (I work out every day, even though I'm terrible at it), so on the outset, this idea didn't seem all that terrible.

I walked into Macy's with a list of potential purchases (food processor! sieve! salad spinner! sautee pan! etc, etc!) and scoured the shelves for deals better than Amazon.

I brought my purchases to the counter, and then I spotted it: the perfect food processor...at 50% off.  I quickly added it to my loot and checked out.  I had about 15 items in all, the largest being the food processor.  It ended up being two full bags, plus the food processor.

Here's the scene: me holding a purse, two full Macy's bags, and a fairly large food processor (unsure why it wasn't bagged, but alas, it was not).  I elected to carry it like I carried my binder/books in middle school, straight in front of me (looking awesome at the mall!).  The box is just a bit smaller than a laundry basket.  So I set off on my quarter-mile trek back to my car.  Here are my thoughts, in order, on that journey:

"Functional Fitness! I am so strong! Why am I so great?"

"Food processors are deceptively heavy! Functional Fitness!"

"I'm like the Little Engine That Could!"

"My wrists are numb. No pain, no gain!"

"I think I just dislocated my wrist*.  Can wrists dislocate? Note to self: ask Luke if wrists can dislocate."

"Does that kiosk woman really think I am going to take a sample from her right now? I'm out of arms, lady."

"Chivalry is dead.  Why aren't any of these young hooligans offering to help me?"

"I believe in the Lord's providence!  Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of...YES, FINISH LINE!" (Ironically, Barnes and Noble is very near Finish Line.  I was almost done, you guys.)

And then...one of the Macy's bags ripped.  Pepper grinders and spatulas everywhere! Tragedy!  I set down my food processor and collected my spatulas, pepper grinder, salad spinner, egg separator, and rolling pin and fit as many as I could into the still-intact bag. New scene: one Macy's bag, purse, and salad spinner stacked on top of food processor (wrists still numb)...BUT, I was in the homestretch!

I made it to the car (while contemplating if it's possible to get heat stroke when it's 30 degrees out) and stuffed everything in my trunk, breathing a heavy sigh of relief and re-thinking my entire fitness plan.  Victory! Mission Accomplished! Thank goodness that's over. #GLAMLIFE

I guess what I'm trying to say, you guys, is that I'm pretty grateful that my biggest problem today involved a salad spinner.  Life is good, and sometimes hilarious.

FEEL FREE TO LEAVE CONGRATULATIONS ON MY NEW FOOD PROCESSOR, YOU GUYS.

*My wrist has not recovered.